Weak

I'm feeling pretty weak, which is pretty fucking annoying. Everyone always tells me how strong I am . . . well, I don't feel that way. I feel like I've been struggling more and more, simple tasks are becoming harder to do.

Example?

Okay. Yesterday I showered, got dressed, and then dried my hair. And after I dried my hair, I had to lay down on the bed for like 20 minutes because I was too overwhelmed to put on my makeup. Then I had to psych myself up to get up and put on makeup. Then hubs and I went out to run errands. Stopped by a few stores, went grocery shopping . . . and I was completely and utterly exhausted. Thank god we were going home to watch football because I wouldn't have been able to handle anything else. Like painting my nails. I painted my nails and almost couldn't handle it.

And there's countless examples recently of my inability to handle shit. Dropping off my son at grandma's house and having hubs walk him in because it's too overwhelming to socialize, requesting to work Christmas eve so that I don't have to go to church because I know I won't make it through the whole service (probably not even half - just thinking about it fills me with so much anxiety it's ridiculous), breaking down at work or becoming so withdrawn people notice something is wrong (I'm a nurse people, this isn't good).

We leave the house to go somewhere and I become anxious - sometimes to the point of panic. Someone stands behind me in line and I get anxious. Certain vehicles driving fill me with anxiety and dread (because I have delusions). I often have to nap during the day because I don't know how I can possibly make it through the day - I'm either anxious or overwhelmed or exhausted or depressed.

None of this leaves me feeling strong. I actually feel weaker than I've ever been. I mean, in the past I've worked, I've plowed on through, I've just done it and now I'm looking into disability. I just, I feel fucking weak. Puny. Pathetic. I can't handle shit.

And I really fucking hate that.