Day 61

I'm feeling awfully lost right now.

I had to take a break after typing that first sentence to cry. I'm so fucking empty and I feel like my pain is consuming me. It's overwhelming me. I don't feel like I'm in control right now. If I had something I could take right now . . . like my lithium . . . I would. Not enough to kill me - I don't think - but enough to make me out of it for a few days. I don't want to deal with how I'm feeling anymore. I'm trying. I'm trying everything. Fuck - I even went to karate tonight!

I want to write, but I don't know what to write. I worked today, from 7-1, it was my call shift. I was on the L&D side caring for post partum patients. The two patients I had were wonderful. Sweet, appreciative, and just nice people. I had good coworkers working. And still I was lost and empty. Still I struggled. Still I felt like breaking down. I came home at 1:30 to my son and we had lunch together. Then I went to lay down for a bit - nap - and escape my thoughts. Then came karate and then I made dinner.

And now crying. Oh, and I cut myself too. Three weeks without a cut and I fucking cut myself tonight. It was either that or put my fists through the wall. Which I still want to do.

I'm so frustrated. If I could just have more good days than bad. Is that too much to fucking ask? Just more good than bad? Apparently it is, considering how it doesn't happen.

I see Dr. M on Tuesday and I'm very curious to hear what he'll have to say about all of this. I'm worried he'll do nothing. Or say there's nothing he can do. Because truth is, I can't keep going on like this. I can't. It's too hard.

But you know what? Tomorrow is a new day, right? It'll be better. It has to be better. I'm going to bed.