5/17/19

I'm sitting in bed trying hard to cry. Yes, you read that right. I'm trying to cry.

Why?

Because I can't.

I have no emotional response right now. No emotions. I feel so empty and hollow and flat. Anhedonic. There's just nothing there. And I don't know what to do. I keep thinking that if maybe I can cry I'll feel better. I'll have an emotional release and I'll be able to feel again. But I. Can't. Cry.

I felt like this yesterday as well. It feels so . . . bad. I feel down and depressed but I also feel nothing at all. I was at work. Which is bad. It means I have access to sharp objects. And I cut. Only once. And for a split second I could feel. For a split second I could feel. The emptiness left me and I felt grounded.

But it was only for a second and then the emptiness came flooding back around me. I was alone again in a world of billions.

This is where I'm at again today. Alone and empty and scared. What if this continues? What if it gets worse? What if?

I don't want to go back to doing ECT, but I can't go on like this. My biggest fear is that this continues and my Pdoc won't support me trying different meds or methods to get better. He'll be all about ECT. And he'll give me an ultimatum: ECT or find another psychiatrist. I can't do that. I don't want another Pdoc. He knows me.

In this regard I'm probably worrying over nothing and I keep telling myself that. Because it does nothing to help my mood. It just makes me anxious and feel worse.

I hate feeling like this. I want to cut again. I want to cry. I want to put my fist through the wall. I want to not exist.

I don't know what to do.

What do I do?