So let's be honest here: I'm kinda struggling. Not big time struggling. Not relapsing into depression (God I hope not). But struggling just the same. I'm tired. I'm more down. I'm not enjoying things. I have no motivation. For anything. I don't feel like me.
Part of the problem is work. I feel so burnt out. I'm not enjoying my job right now (to remind y'all, I'm a nurse and I help deliver babies). But yeah, I'm burnt out. We've had so many changes over the past few months that it's pretty overwhelming. I feel like I'm drowning in the change and I can't keep up. And we've been so. Damn. Busy. That in itself is exhausting. And it just sucks not enjoying your job, a job I used to love.
Another problem is my damn brain. It's like it developed muscle memory for being depressed and now I'm falling into the unhealthy cycle of depressive thinking. Negative thoughts abound, most of them not even conscious. Sleeping too much (I didn't get up until noon today), physically feeling worn and tired all the time (though I guess this could also be the fibromyalgia), anger, bitterness, and an overall negative outlook. Seriously brain, what the fuck? Why can't you get trapped in positive thinking? (I know the answer to that of course - I've been depressed my whole life - it's all my brain knows. Even with being bipolar, hypomania episodes are few and far between and short lived. My brain knows depression. Period.)
I hate feeling like this. It makes me worry that I'm going to fall back into depression, something I desperately don't want. Hubby reminded me that feeling burnt out is normal from time to time, that everyone feels that way at some point. Strangely, I didn't find that particularly comforting. Probably my depressive brain talking.
Stupid brain.
I need a vacation.
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