I Guess I Had a Win

You'll notice that it's I "guess" I had a win. As in, "I'm not really sure if it should be construed as a win or not". As in, "well, I didn't completely lose my shit and that's really as good as it gets anymore".

I worked yesterday (I'm a nurse, remember) and I was steady all day. I was also working with a couple girls who I like well enough, but who can be very draining and annoying at times. And I certainly wasn't feeling on the ball yesterday morning. It felt like it was going to be a rough day. So I started the day doing what I force myself to do: interact with people. Yep. When all I want to do is hide and withdraw, I force myself to interact. I interject myself into conversations. I initiate conversations. I do the opposite of what I want to do. That kind of shit is supposed to help with depression.

Or so I'm told.

So I talked. With everyone. I forced myself to joke. I forced (and I mean forced) myself to laugh. I didn't isolate, I didn't withdraw. And here's the thing: I felt flat and withdrawn ALL. DAY. All day. Even in the middle of a conversation, in the middle of "laughing", I felt flat and withdrawn and fake. Which is frustrating, but that's depression for you. I could have had spiders all over me and I would have been like "oh. Spiders. Uh, get off, I guess?"

But I tried. I was able to have conversations, do my job, and not break down. I didn't even have to go off and hide yesterday (I've often found myself needing to go away to a quiet, private location to hide/decompress for a bit while at work). My therapist, M, would call this a win. He would call this effective mood management. And I guess it is, in a way. I didn't go off and hide, I didn't break down or lose my shit, I did my job, interacted with people, and appeared to be a normal, functioning adult.

I just didn't feel how I would like to (I don't want to feel flat and withdrawn - I want to feel normal and happy and myself). But I guess I'll get there, right? Eventually? Please tell me I'll get there.