Fuck you Ted

I woke up this morning feeling depressed again. Feeling an overwhelming desire to not exist. I feel depressed . . . but I feel numb. I need to cry but I can't.

I don't know if I can accurately describe what I'm feeling.

I've been depressed for the last 3 weeks. Hopeless. Despair. Secretly wanting to die. I had ECT on Monday and was doing a little better on Monday and Tuesday. Then I had therapy on Wednesday and I was a little hypomanic, which, of course, my therapist picked up on right away. Even threatened me with hospitalization (both for the mania and previous depression). I wasn't happy, fun, euphoric hypomanic - no. I was irritable, agitated, anxious hypomanic. I was fidgety and a little snippy. Shaky and breathing rapidly. I was uncomfortable and wanted to curl in a ball. M is good though and was able to get me to laugh.

I worked yesterday and I was rapid cycling. Up, down, up, down all day long. Not to the far extremes - thank God - but up and down constantly none the less. The downs were more pronounced, the ups were short lived, and there was no in between. I'm a nurse, I work in a busy birth center, and I struggled all day to keep myself in check, to not be inappropriate, and to just make it through the fucking day.

And then today, because things can't possibly be easy, I wake up feeling depressed. I wake up with no motivation to do anything. I don't want to be out of bed, I don't want to be awake. I want to cut. I don't want to exist. I don't see why I should. I'm constantly dealing with this, I'm constantly in pain from the bipolar. . . I can't ever seem to just be okay. I can't ever just seem to be happy. So what's the point? I'll be dealing with this the rest of my life. I try not to think about that because that is overwhelming and daunting and depressive in and of itself.

Part of me doesn't want to do this anymore.

But I think of my hubby and son and know that I can't give up. I have to keep going for them. Even though today I want to go back to bed and not wake up.

Fuck this shit.



(Ted is what I named my depression, btw)