Limbo

I'm stuck in this shitty kind of limbo. Not the fun kind of limbo where you're trying to get under a stick that's being lowered. . . No, a shitty, what-the-fuck-am-I-feeling kind of limbo.

Have I mentioned my meds were changed? Well, they were. My Prestiq was doubled 2 weeks ago. And some of my depressive symptoms have lessened a little bit. Fuck yeah!! Right? Right? Well, I don't know. I've been irritable. Okay, whatever. Increased anxiety. So? Yesterday I worked and I was hypomanic. Loud, inappropriate, racing thoughts, anxiety, distractibility, anger . . . while at work (remember I'm a nurse). It was not fun. Well, parts were fun because I was hypomanic. But mostly it was exhausting.

Today I don't know what I am. Anxious, racing thoughts . . . check. Feeling like I'm going to break down sobbing? Check. Self destructive behaviors? Check. Distractibility? Irritability? Check. Hallucinations? You bet! I've already cut. I want to cut more. But, more than that, I want to take pills. Like, my whole bottle of Benadryl (I have a 500 count bottle). Not because I'm suicidal - oh no - but because I want to see what will happen. I know what taking 15 does, lets take 50. How deep can I cut? What if I stabbed myself?

I mean seriously what the fuck??? I don't like how I feel and I don't like how I'm thinking. Fuck this shit.