I'm a bit stuck right now. I'm a bit stuck on something so fundamentally stupid that I should really have no problem getting over it. But here I am, stuck. What is it, you ask? Here, let me tell you.
I have bipolar disorder. A progressive, life long disorder characterized by extreme lows and highs of mood. I've had symptoms of it for probably 25 years but was only diagnosed 6 years ago. I've been on 23 different meds, have done CBT, DBT, group therapy, equine therapy, Al-Anon, meditation, acupuncture, ECT, and God knows what else to help manage it. And that's the thing - you manage it. That's it. There'e no cure. Currently I'm on 3 medications and do ECT once a month to manage my bipolar. But here's the catch - I can go into a mood episode at any time, for any reason. Or for no reason. It just happens. Despite my meds and ECT and exercising and eating healthy and vitamins and and and . . . And that's really fucking annoying. I'm doing everything right and I'm still battling my bipolar. But the thing is, I know this. That's just the nature of bipolar disorder. And I fucking know this.
But I'm not accepting it. At least I haven't been and I think that's part of my problem. I think I would do better in my depressions if I could accept this fact and move forward. I'm having a hard time with that though. See, the meds and the ECT help to keep me stable. And when I have a mood episode, they help to keep it hopefully not as intense and not as long lasting. I come out of my mood episode and I'm stable again. Until the next episode happens then we manage it, I get through it, and I move on again. This is how it works. This is how it will always work because that's just how bipolar is. And again, I know this. I'm just having a hard time accepting it. I see both my therapist and my psychiatrist tomorrow and I'm going to bring this up with both of them. I think having it reinforced by them will be helpful.
I hope.
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