I should be at work right now but I discharged all of my patients so instead I'm at home, sitting in bed, trying not to cry (I'm failing). See, I'm struggling today. I'm having a hard time keeping my head above water. Everyone around me is talking and laughing and I can barely breathe.
I'm stuck in this mild depression. I'm not full of despair, it's not crippling, black, nothingness. But I'm an empty husk, a shell of who I should be. I don't have real emotions - they're all fake, a facade. My smiles are forced, my laugh a hoax. I'm trying my best but people saw through me today, including a patient's husband.
I'm withdrawn and quiet and flat but I'm trying desperately not to be this way, hence the faking. Fake it till you make it, right? I mean, that's what I'm trying but it just doesn't seem to be working. This is pretty much how I've been feeling since I was discharged from Peak View, save for a few days of hypomania. This fucking mild depression.
And the shitty thing is that I want to cut and I want to die. I'm not suicidal mind you, not really. But I wouldn't mind just . . . dying. And I want to cut myself so bad, I want to carve up my arm. I haven't so far but I don't know how long that will last.
So that's where I'm at. Annoyingly, mildly depressed. Lost and sad and empty and losing hope and I don't see a point to anything anymore. It's a shitty place to be.
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