3/9/18

I wish I could eloquently describe how I've been feeling. When I sit down to write, everything gets scrambled in my head and I can't seem to get it out. It's a jumbled mess up there and nothing makes any sense. My mind has been racing again and my thoughts are confused and tangled and at war with one another. It makes writing nearly impossible.

But I'm going to try.

Since I got out of the hospital Feb. 12th I've been stuck in the annoying mild depression (save for 3 days of hypomania). It's the kind of depression where I feel hopeless and empty, down and dark, worthless and withdrawn. The emotions I exhibit are mostly faked - I don't feel much other than sadness, anger, or nothing. Mostly nothing.

I mostly feel nothing and it's so frustrating. This is the emptiness. I feel dead inside. I'm not a person. People have a range of emotions and I have nothing. I have a false smile, a laugh that is a hoax. I have to put on a facade in order to interact with people and it's exhausting. But it's what I have to do in order to fit in. God forbid people know I'm still depressed, still struggling.

That's not to say I can't feel real emotion. I'm good at feeling the sadness that accompanies my depression. I can certainly feel the anger as well. And, every once in awhile, I'll get a glimpse of how things could be. I'll laugh and for a split second feel truly happy. I'll hug my husband and feel content and at peace. Sadly, these feelings don't last but a moment and then they're gone. They're gone and my emptiness is back

I ask myself questions, like, is this as good as it gets? Is this emptiness and depression as good as it gets for me? I know the answer is no because I have felt better in the past. I have been stable and capable of emotions. I know the answer is no but it feels like it's yes. This depression is dragging on so long that I feel that this is as good as it gets and that I just have to deal with it. And how shitty is that? I mean seriously. Existing and living are not the same and right now I'm merely existing. I'm not living. This is not living. I go through the motions. I have no motivation, I have no drive. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning because the earlier I get up, the longer the day I have to struggle through.

And I don't know what more to do. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing. I'm doing everything right. I started yoga though, to see if it would help. Nothing so far. I'm going to revamp my diet - again - to see it that will help. I'm going to go to the gym more often. I'm really pushing the positive affirmations. Listening to music I love. The weather was gorgeous yesterday so I spent time outside. I take my meds, have ECT, see my therapist and psychiatrist regularly, go to a support group, I have a loving supportive family and friends, and job I love . . . so what do I do?

No one knows the answer and so I'm stuck. Stuck feeling nothing.