Well. I had therapy today. And I talked about my depression and my light headedness and tremors and work. And maybe it helped a little? I'm not sure. The fact still remains though that I'm depressed.
I have no motivation to do anything. I got home from therapy and wanted to go to bed. I didn't. I went downstairs and did a couple of sketches. I drew a sparrow and some flowers. Go me. All trying to not go to bed. I had lunch. I put dinner in the crockpot.
I want to go to bed. Just sleep. Sleep for eternity.
So I'm writing. I'm trying to distract myself, kill time. Not sleep.
But we all know what's going to happen, don't we? When I'm done with this I'm going to go lay down. Because I can't. I just can't. I can't deal with this unrelenting emptiness. I wish I could cry. I think I'd feel better if I could cry. But I can't. There's no emotion there. It's gone. I'm just so empty. Void. Blank. Numb. There's nothing there.
I can't fucking FEEL.
And it makes me so tired. It's hard to keep up the facade that I'm okay. Even that I'm marginally okay witch is what I've been doing.
I can't do this.
I see Dr. M on the 17th. I know he's going to suggest ECT, which I can't do. I can't. My memory is jacked enough. Maybe ketamine. I don't know. I'll find out I guess.
Anyway, it's time to go lay down. /end rant
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