6/27/19

This week has been a rough week.

I worked Monday and Wednesday and both days were busy. I'm having a hard time keeping up the facade at work that everything is okay. It's exhausting. The days are long (and not only because I work 12 hour shifts). I've wanted to cut but I haven't. Yesterday I broke down twice which is something I try so hard not to do at work. But it happened.

On Tuesday I had my appointment with the Southern Colorado TMS clinic. I was there for 2 hours and we went over  what TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) is, the research behind it, and how it can help. I also had a medical intake. When Dr. H asked if I had any questions I said I only had one: when can I start? TMS is a treatment that has great success in treating depression with little to no side effects. It works by sending strong magnetic pulses to the regions of the brain identified as being responsible for depression. These magnetic pulses excite the neurons, activate them, and the repeated sessions act like muscle memory and the neurons learn how to remain activated. This is something I want to do.

Except I might not be able to.

See, insurance companies are like a bag of dicks and they obviously don't want to approve something if they can get out of it. TMS is FDA approved to treat major depression and generalized anxiety. What's my diagnosis? Bipolar disorder. So more than likely my insurance company will deny coverage for TMS based on that. Which let me tell you, sucks fucking balls. Because what is it that I deal with the most? Depression. I haven't had a hypomanic episode in about 4 years. But I deal with recurrent depression constantly. The longest period that I've been euthymic is 3 months. Then it's back to depression. But I'll probably be denied treatment based on a label. A fucking label.

So I cried. And I cried again that night at home. Dr. H said that he and his team would do what they can to get me approved and they were hopeful they could do it. Which gives me hope. Now if only I can hang onto that.

I had therapy today in which I cried also. I seem to be crying so much more lately. My depression feels as if it's getting worse day by day. My therapist could tell a difference in me compared to 2 weeks ago. That's not good. But what can you do? I'm trying.

I'm trying, I'm hanging onto hope. It's all I can do.