I'm feeling pretty crappy today. Down, depressed, and blah. I woke up feeling this way. I felt this way yesterday. I'm hoping I don't feel this way tomorrow.
I think I know part of the reason I'm feeling depressed - because I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I bought a 16 week workout plan to try something different to get in shape (it was $67 - so it's not like it broke the bank, but still). So why does that make me feel guilty? Because it was an impulse buy. And I keep impulse buying things. Like protein powder. I have 6 months worth of protein powder (or more). Or supplements. I keep trying different supplements. Or vitamin water. I keep impulse buying things that I don't really need (now, I use protein powder every day, along with the vitamin water . . . but I don't need so much of it). It's a problem. A real problem. Jeremy has pointed this out to me numerous times. And I know it's a problem. Little purchases add up. I need to stop. But it's like I can't. It's like my brain is being hijacked. I buy because I think it'll make me feel better. I get a little dopamine rush when I purchase something, and then another little rush when the item comes in the mail. It is, quite frankly, like an addiction. One that I need to stop.
Why am I like this? Why do I have to be this way?? I hate it about myself. And I beat myself up over it and that makes me feel worse. Then what happens? I buy something to try and make myself feel better and the cycle starts again. I see this happening. I know it's happening. And I can't seem to stop it. I don't know how to stop it. I guess I'm going to start asking Jeremy every time before I buy something. Ask permission almost. Because then maybe he can talk some sense into me. Though I'm embarrassed to have to do that. Which makes me feel worse. I hate this. So. Much. I hate that I'm like this. Weak.
In other news, I'm going to be volunteering at the riding center again. It's now called Stable Strides (it used to be Pikes Peak Therapeutic Riding Center). So I'm going to be volunteering, working with kids with disabilities and playing with horses. I'm very much looking forward to it. Mainly the playing with horses part, if I'm honest. But it'll be good for me. Of course, much to Jeremy's dismay, I'll need to buy a couple of volunteer shirts to wear on the days that I'm there. And I'd like a hoodie for the chilly days (there I go, spending more money). My orientation is on April 2nd (I need to go through orientation again because it's been 6 years since I volunteered there).
I also decided on a design for my next tattoo, the one to cover my self harm scars - it'll be Chance, my therapy horse. He was my special boy and I think that he'll be perfect to cover my scars. I did a quick painting of how I want it to look - grey scale with just a hint of color on Chance's halter and the cherry blossoms.
Here's the original photo:
I don't know when I'll be able to get it done, however. I just got a new tattoo last week, and we're having to rebuild our deck. So it may be awhile. That's okay though - I can wait. Maybe a little impatiently, but I can wait.
And I need to stop buying things in order for me to be able to get it. That's a stipulation I'm putting on myself. If I want my new tattoo I can't impulse buy stuff. And I need to check with Jeremy before I buy anything. Two stipulations. That I must follow.
Anyway, I guess that's all. I hate myself right now and I feel like crap.
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