Hooray. It's Monday. Such excitement. Much joy. Many sarcasm.
Another week has gone by, a week filled with nothing special, really. I'm stuck in the doldrums. A little melancholy, very much meh or blah. I'm mostly just kind of . . . here. Existing. Carrying on, going through the motions, but not getting much done. I haven't drawn or painted in almost a month now. I'd like to, I just can't seem to do it. I have no inspiration or motivation, no drive. I have no motivation to do anything. Not even putting dishes in the dishwasher. Barely even basic hygiene (I really had to force myself to shower this morning and I put on basically no makeup - too much work). This, of course, doesn't help how I'm feeling. I look in the mirror and see an ogre. An ugly thing that isn't taking care of herself. And part of me doesn't care.
Today is especially bad for some reason. Yesterday was bad too. Yesterday I was at work and getting annoyed and irritated by everything. I wasn't "feeling it". I was down and more quiet, though I tried not to be. Today I'm down as well and all I want to do is sleep. Sleep the day away. I feel slow and lazy and done with everything. And it's weird, because for as awful as I'm feeling right now I'm not flat. Not empty. Not how I normally am when I'm depressed. I have emotions (it's just that most of my emotions are negative right now). I would even say that I'm emotionally fragile. A song or a video on Facebook or Instagram could make me cry. Literally. It's frustrating. I don't want to feel this way.
I had therapy last Thursday and it was over Zoom. I really prefer in person, but that wasn't an option last week as Mike had had hernia surgery and wasn't recovered from it yet. Zoom is better than nothing. I cried while recounting the infant death. I talked about the holidays and Ayden and his girlfriend. I felt it was a productive session but I left it feeling I needed more. More of what, I don't know. But more. And today I did another session of hypnotherapy (have I mentioned before that I'm doing this?). Trying to get my binge eating under control, trying to eat more healthfully, trying to exercise and get in shape, trying to stay away from junk food. I certainly don't feel as though I'm being "hypnotized", listening to the recordings. But they do relax me, and maybe, somehow, they'll help. I can use all the help I can get.
If these feelings continue, if I see no improvement over the next week or so, it may be time for a ketamine booster. I don't really want to, because I'm stubborn and want to be better on my own, but I may need to suck it up an go. It's been two months since my last treatment. I was hoping I'd make it until at least three. But I can't keep doing this. I can't keep feeling this way and getting nothing done. I can't make those around me miserable with my lack of, well, everything.
So that's where we're at. Bit of a depressing post, I know. But, well, it seems that's where I'm at right now. Hopefully this week will be better. Hopefully I'll get stuff done.
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