The dichotomy of me. It's the title of a painting I did today. I haven't been painting, well, hardly at all as of late. But today I did two paintings, both personal.
The Dichotomy of Me:
It's a reflection on bipolar disorder, I guess. I tend to hang on the side of depression more than anything (my mania is well controlled with antipsychotics). I've been feeling rather low for the past month or so. Getting progressively worse as the days go by. So I decided to bite the bullet and make an appointment for a booster ketamine infusion. I have it next Wednesday morning. I was hoping to go longer before needing an infusion, but I guess three months is respectable. I'm trying not to let myself feel like a failure for needing a booster, which is where my mind naturally goes. I naturally tend toward the negative. I'm actively working to change this. It's hard. I have to constantly be aware of my thoughts and counter them. It takes quite a bit of energy, but I'm trying.
There really isn't anything much else going on. I'm trying to work out consistently, it's going okay. I'm trying not to nap all the time, which is what I want to do, because then I don't have to deal with how I'm feeling. I'm trying to come up with ideas for art - that's slow going. And I'm trying to remain positive. All of these are difficult things. But I'm plugging along, as best as I can.
The other painting I did today is "There Will Be Signs":
There are signs to my declining mental health, and I'm too stubborn or too proud to admit that they're there. Until to day. Because I made the appointment for an infusion. I'm finally admitting to myself that I probably need a little help getting back to where I want to be. I'll get there. Eventually.
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