I woke up this morning feeling down. Legit down. Definitely not myself. I sat drinking my coffee near tears. What the fuck is up with this?
Yesterday at work I had suicidal thoughts. Thoughts about the pointlessness of life. About how I'm just going to get depressed again. And again. I'll never escape it. So why bother? I thought about how. I pictured it so vividly. And then I stopped myself and tried to correct my thinking, tried to purge those horrible thoughts . . .
But they stuck around.
I ignored them. And then when I got off work I told hubby about them. I probably scared him because I'm supposed to be better. I've been better for a month - I'm not supposed to have these thoughts anymore.
And then I wake up this morning feeling down, feeling near tears, for absolutely no reason. And those thoughts? Yeah, they're still there. I'm doing my best to ignore them, to not acknowledge them, and to counter them when they break through.
I want to cut. That flash of pain and blood stop the thoughts. I have nothing here to cut with. That's on purpose of course, but right now it's making me angry.
Oh well. I exercised, I'm listening to music, I'm trying to distract myself. I'll get through this - I've gotten through much worse.
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