I should be at work right now, but I was put on delayed start until 1100. So I'm at home, already showered, ready to go, even though I know I won't be going in.
I hate when this happens, I feel so lost. I have no idea what to do. I'm just . . . lost. First thing this morning I thought I felt good. I got up early and exercised. But as the morning carries on I'm feeling worse. More down. More lost. I'm feeling trapped inside my own head. I keep thinking I'm going to get bad and end up in the hospital. I keep having suicidal thoughts. I keep wondering why I can't be manic. I keep wondering what really will happen when I get bad again. I want to cut.
I hate feeling like this. I just want to be normal and okay and it doesn't seem like I can be that way. I think M would say I still haven't accepted bipolar disorder. I think I've accepted it as much as I can. But then, I don't know.
I'm tired of this. I just want to sleep and forget about it.
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