I had therapy today, and I of course managed to cry, even though I was trying not to. I was telling Mike about how I've been feeling and about what Dr. M told me on Monday.
How I've been feeling: If I'm not feeling down and depressed, hopeless and pointless, I'm feeling like an empty, emotionless husk. I'm flat. I'm just going through the motions. I'm existing - not living. It's a horrible way to feel. It's like life is passing me by. I'm just observing, I'm not participating. I hate it.
And Dr. M told me that this is what stability looks like for me. I'm not having many big swings either up or down and that this is probably as good as it gets for me. How awful is that?? Yes, I'm mostly stable, but it's left me feeling completely flat lined and emotionless. That's no way to be. It's not how I want to feel.
But I don't know what to do. And Mike? He doesn't know what to do either. I told my hubby about this today and he was stumped as well. Why? Because I'm doing everything right. I'm doing everything I should be doing. And I still struggle. It's a bunch of bullshit.
Bullshit.
I'll keep doing the only thing I know how to do - keep plugging along. It's the only thing I can do. Keep trying to find happiness or joy or contentment or something wherever I can. Because if I can't find little snippets of that . . . well . . . I'm really fucked. So I'll keep plugging along and trying.
No comments:
Post a Comment