When the cloud is above me I can function. I may be dead inside, but I can function. I can put on my fake smile, my fake laugh, and make believe that everything is alright. Why make believe? Because I truly feel dead inside. I feel empty, numb, flat, a husk of the person I should be. I'm anhedonic, if you want to get technical about it. Things that I used to enjoy mean nothing to me now (like drawing, painting, sewing, reading, hiking, playing with horses . . .). I'm just going through the motions. Every once in awhile I'll genuinely feel something . . . but those moments are few and far between.
When the cloud envelopes me I have to fight to function. It doesn't come easy. I struggle. I break down. I cry. I have no motivation to do anything. Getting out of bed is a chore. Showering is a gigantic feat. It takes everything I have to put on my mask. God forbid I have to work on these days. I'm truly depressed. That grey cloud? It turns black. I have dark thoughts. Thoughts of suicide. I know that I don't really want to die but my fucked up brain tells me otherwise. And it's convincing. I spend my time laying in bed, staring off into space, staring at the wall or my hands or sleeping to escape. I can't concentrate to do anything. I pray for God to take me, to end the pain.
Then the cloud lifts.
I'm given a reprieve from the worst of it.
Or am I?
Because what I'm left with is the vacant nothingness and meaninglessness that makes up my life right now. No joy. No happiness. No escape from negative feelings despite my best efforts to remain positive.
I've been dealing with this for at least 2 months pretty consistently. I have had about 3 manic days in the past 2 months (thank God for those days) but they don't last more than a day or part of a day. I seem to cycle every 3 months and May would have been month 3 (my last major depression was in February and resulted in a hospitalization).
So is this what I'm dealing with? My normal cycling? And it's just lasting a long fucking time? And if so, does that mean I should ride it out? Just wait and hope it ends soon? Or should I seek a med change? The only thing is, with a med change, I know Dr. M doesn't want to go that route. He's already told me as much. He told me so after my depression in February. More ECT. I'm trying to lessen ECT and he's pushing for more. And I think it helps keep me stable overall. I do. But I pay the price for it with my memory and my continuing lack of creativity.
So I'm stuck with this damn grey cloud. Either above me or around me it doesn't matter - both suck.
No comments:
Post a Comment