10/11/18

I was supposed to work today but I was put on call this morning. Or, more accurately, I was put on delayed start. Which I was fine with, honestly, I've been exhausted all week. I took Ayden to school, drank my coffee, and started his sheets in the wash. Then?

Nap time.

I slept for a good hour and a half and woke up groggy. And still extremely irritable. I've been irritable all day. I literally woke up like that. And to make matters worse, my mom wanted to talk. Usually if I could catch her before 4 or 5 I was alright. But now . . . now I need to catch her before 11. Why?

My mom is an alcoholic.

So of course at 12:30 she's been drinking. And not just starting off, either. No, she's at the slurring her words, repeating herself several times level.  And do you know what that does? It intensifies my anger. I tried to stay calm and collected, just listened as she rambled, but underneath I was fuming.  Thankfully, my coworker called me to release me from call so I was able to use that as an excuse to get off the phone with my mom.

Seriously, thank the baby DeJesus because I can't stand that woman when she's been drinking.

So anyway, I had ECT on Monday, and Jer said on Tuesday I seemed to be in my post-ECT high. He says that always happens after I get ECT. Then I level out. I seem to be leveling out now. I feel flat and I have my ridiculous irritability. Which is super annoying.

I had therapy yesterday and my therapist agrees with Jer's assessment. So we'll just have to wait and see what my mood does over the next few days. Did ECT help? Or was it a quick band aid? I have a feeling that it was a quick band aid. I think it helps keep the mania at bay, I think it lessens the depth of my depressions, but if I'm in one, it has yet to make it go away.

I decided to try 6 weeks between ECT appointments again, see how I do. I don't think this current depression was brought on by going 6 weeks - I think the timing is coincidental. But we'll see. Dr. M wasn't too pleased with my choice but he's not the one getting zapped. If I could get treatment out to every 8 weeks, that would be phenomenal. *Fingers crossed*