Thoughts Saturday 5/2/26

 My 12 weeks off from work for my hip surgery are almost up. One more week. I go back to work May 10th (Mother's Day, bummer). And one thing I've realized is that I REALLY don't want to go back. I've ben enjoying my time off. Immensly. I've been able to paint so much. I haven't been stressed. I've felt more at peace. If it were possible I'd quit and just do art. But, alas, that is not possible. My art barely sells. We need my nursing income. It sucks. But, it is what it is. 

I've decided that I'm going to step down from being charge. That is where the main sourse of my work stress is. I don't want it anymore. I plan on seeing how work is going after stepping down before I make a decision to find another job. Part of me wants something different. Part of me wants to stay. I like my coworkers, I like my actual job well enough, I like the demographic of patients I serve . . . but I don't like the hospital system. They pile more and more on nurses without extra pay or help. So much relies on us. I feel like it's at a breaking point. I mean, my hospital can't even reliably have phlebotomy on staff - nurses have to do all of their own blood draws. This is a HOSPITAL for pete's sake. We should have phlebotomy. Patient loads are havier, patients are sicker (yes, even new moms), and we're always short staffed. Almost every day of my leave I've seen posts in our floor facebook page begging for help. Almost every. Single. Day. Something has to change. 

That's why I'm thinking about leaving. But will it be better anywhere else? Will I like what I'm doing somewhere else? I'm limited as to where I can go because I can't work nights (most hospital jobs you have to start of nights). I could do out patient surgery - a few of my coworkers have left to do that and seem to really like it. Only problem is that it would be a $15 an hour pay cut (if not more). So I don't know. Part of me is hoping that after I step down from charge and I don't have to worry about staffing and all the BS that goes along with it I'll like my job more and will be happier. Time will tell. 

In other news, I've been substantially more down the past 3-4 weeks. I don't know if it's perimenopause related or if it's depression rearing its ugly head. But it's most certainly annoying. Right now I'm just dealing with it. If it gets worse then I'll be hitting up the ketamine clinic because I'm not playing that game. I'm not going to get worse. 

That's about it for now. Toodle loo. 

Thursday 3/5/26 I had SURGERY

 Hello random readers, it's been a while again. But I figured an update was due since I had surgery and am recovering. 

I can't remember if in my last post I mentioned that I tore my labrum in my right hip (and I'm too lazy to go and look at said post right now). So yeah. Six-ish months ago I managed to tear my labrum, probably by being to aggressive with yoga (possibly - who knows for sure). So I saw my doc, was given prescription NSAIDs, and told I had bursitis most likely. A month of taking NSAIDs goes by and my pain only increased. So I went back to my doc and asked for PT and an MRI. PT hurt, didn't help, possibly made things worse. MRI showed a torn labrum and CAM deformation (basically a spur of bone that most likely tore tha labrum). So I made an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon who a coworker of mine recommended. Waited a month for that appointment (everything in this process has taken FOREVER it feels like). He recommended surgery. Scheduled that (another month out). In pretty horrible pain this whole time. But, you know, whatever.

But then, THEN I had surgery (finally) on February 9th to repair my torn labrum and resolve (ie shave down the bone) my CAM deformation. Surgery lasted about an hour and a half and I was in recovery for about two hours, and then went home. Recovery has been going smoothly. The most annoying thing is being on crutches for 4 weeks. Like, it's seriously annoying. But I'm getting by (I'm in my last week of crutches - come this Sunday I will be crutch free!). I've had very little pain. Like, none really. Showering is a pain and I have to have help from my hubby and use a shower chair (I'm not supposed to have my full weight on my right leg, hence the crutches). I've been prepping breakfasts and lunches for myself with the help of my hubby as trying to carry things while on crutches is . . . challenging. I'm using an old purse hung around my neck as a kind of kangaroo pouch to carry things. It works fairly well. My hubby has been doing practically everything as I, well, can't. There's no way I can carry laundry down 2 flights of stairs on crutches to do laundry, so he's been taking care of everything. cooking, cleaning, you name it, he's doing it. He's the most amazing man ever and I'm so thankful to have him. 

I had my 2 week check up 1.5 weeks ago and was told everything was going well and that I was moving better than most people at that point (go me!). I'm back in PT, have had 3 sessions thus far (I'll be going twice a week for the next 8 weeks). I have another check up in 2 weeks, and then my last check up is May 7th (after that I should be able to return to work). I'm off work a total of 12 weeks (which is crazy). 

I'm quite bored though. I have a very large book I've been reading on mindset change and getting physically fit (I need to lose weight and want to build muscle and strength). So I've been reading this massive book and going through the workbook. It's taken me a while. But yesterday I finished it. So now I'm like, what the hell do I do now? I can't start working out until next week and then I can only do upper body stuff and light walking. I'm going to draw and paint, obviously, but like, what else? I still have eight weeks of time to kill. No work. No obligations. I can only read so much. I'm not big into watching tv except at night with hubby. Ugh. 

Anyway, that's where I'm at. Just about 4 weeks post-op, doing well, and bored.  

Wednesday 1/14/26 Another Sporadic Post

 Well, Happy New Year! It's been about 2.5 months since my last post, quite a while. See, when things are going alright I don't post much - I don't really have anything interesting to talk about (depression makes me want to write, doing well makes me not want to write). And I've been doing well, for a long while now. Which is awesome. But makes me boring, I guess.

I do have some news though: I tore the labrum in my right hip and will be having surgery on February 9th to repair it. I'll be on crutches for 4 weeks (bummer) and out of work for 12 weeks (yay?). Weeks 5-12 will probably be okay, and may be a nice break from the chaos that is work. But the first 4 weeks . . . uh, probably not so fun. I can't do much while being on crutches. I won't be able to put full weight on my right leg during this time and have a bending restriction which will make doing even normal tasks difficult (like putting on socks and showering, or making my lunch). So this will be fun. Hubby is taking the day of surgery off and working from home that first week to be able to help me, but after that . . . well, I won't have a ton of help at home. My son will be back in classes (he's getting his CNA certification, among other classes, so will be gone much of the day as well). So this shall prove . . . interesting. I'm not going to shower every day and will do so in the evenings when hubby is home rahter than in the mornings when I'm by myself - too much of a hassel (even with a shower chair). I'll be relegated to the upstairs for a while, which sucks as my studio is downstairs (our house is a split level - so when you enter the front door you can either go up or down). So maybe no art from me for a few weeks after surgery. I'll probably read a lot (I just bought 4 new books so I've got reading material). I have a feeling I'm going to be bored. Not working for 12 weeks is crazy to me (I only took 6 weeks off after I had my son). So yeah. I'll have to enlist friends coming over to entertain me until I'm off crutches and can drive. Ugh. But, I've been in pain for many months and haven't been sleeping well because of said pain, so something needs to be done (physical therapy and NSAIDS do nothing). 

In other news, work is busy. Still. It's always busy now. It's dumb. Really dumb. I feel bad about being gone for 12 weeks - especially since we have 3 other nurses who will be out the same time on maternity leave. So that sucks for my manager. But I guess that's why she gets paid the big bucks, to sort this shit out (she is bringing in 3 travel nurses for 12 weeks, so that'll help). 

Hmm . . . what else? Honestly, nothing really. Just plugging along with life. Toodle loo!

Tuesday 10/28/25 I'm making an appearance

 I really rarely write anymore, have you noticed? Probably not - I have like one or two people who look at my blog I think. But yeah, it's been since July, right? And it's the end of October. Holy cow. Time really flies.

Things are pretty status quo. My cousin Johnny got married the begining of October. We (hubby, son, and I) flew out to California for the wedding. We stayed only a long weekend, Friday through Monday. It was quite lovely though. Johnny got married at my other cousin's gourd farm (my cousin Jaime owns Welburn Farms - the largest gourd farm in the US). We stayed at the house on Jaime's ranch with my uncle, his wife, and my aunt. It was great to see family. We rented a car while out there and we paid for an upgraded car, because why not? We got a Maseratti. Yep. A Maseratti. We thought we were pretty hot stuff at first. But then we had to google how to turn on the headlights because we couldn't figure it out. WTF. And my cousin Jaime's ranch is in a canyon near Temecula. In this canyon you lose cell service. For the entire canyon area. When we were leaving to head back to San Diego on Sunday EVERY warning light came on in the car. Here we were, in this remote canyon wothout cell service, and the car going haywire. It was very concerning. We didn't stop until we reached Temecula (what if we stopped and the car wouldn't start again? We'd have MILES of walking to reach cell service). Stopped at a McDonalds and turned the car off. Started it again and it thankfully started back up. But with the check engine light on. Like, seriously. This car is a year old. WTF. So we drove the hour and a half back to San Diego and returned it, complained, and they refunded us a day's worth of fees. It was a little stressful. I don't recommend getting a Maseratti. 

Work. Ahhhh, work. It sucks. We've been so fucking busy. Every shift that I'm charge we're stupid busy and short staffed. Every. Single. Time. I'm so over it. And the one thing I really like about my job - nursery, where I attend deliveries - is being taken from us. Namely, those of us on mom/baby who do nursery. It is going to be transeferred to the labor nurses (who don't want to do it). Which royally sucks. It's going to take time - like a year or so - as we have to train the labor nurses how to take care of babies, but this really sucks. So that, coupled with how busy we are, makes me question if I want to stay working there. I'm pretty burnt out at the moment. I've been doing my job for 17 years. I'm fucking good at it. But I'm not sure I want to do it anymore. Which is terrifying. New is scary. And I'm limited with what I can do. Moving elsewhere in the hospital means going to night shift, which I physically and mentally can't do. I could do an out patinet surgery center. Several of our nurses have left to do this and relaly like it. However, that would be a massive pay cut (think $20 or more an hour). We can't really afford that. A coworker suggested doing preop/postop in my hospital, which I guess I could do. I don't want to be in the OR though - surgeons are dick wads. So I have no idea. Everything is up in the air right now. I don't want to lose nursery, I don't want to do charge, and I feel stuck. I don't know what to do. I'll figure it out eventually. Hopefully.

Weight loss. A little over a year ago I was on semaglutide. I lost around 35 pounds but was sick and lightheaded all the time. So I stopped it and gained all the weight back, rather rapidly. Well, I'm back on semaglutide, a low dose. I've lost 13 pounds. The weight loss is much slower than the first time, around .5-1 pound a week. Sustainable weight loss. Which is what I want. So I'm less likely to gain it back when I go off of it. With a smaller dose I'm much less nauseous, much less lightheaded. So, hopefully I'll continue to slowly lose weight and then be able to keep it off (because I don't want to be on it long term - it's expensive!).

My son is in college, doing well, and trying to put in place the steps needed for him to trnasfer to a school in Osaka, Japan in a couple of years. We'll see how that goes. I think he very much has rose colored glasses on right now. But he really wants to do it, so, more power to him. We'll help him with what we can. No transitioning yet, I think he may be having second thoughts. Which is fine by us, whatever makes him happy. He hasn't really wanted to talk about it. 

So anyway, that's about it. Pretty boring stuff, I know. I'm a boring person. And I'm okay with that.   

Monday 7/28/25 Two months, damn

 It's been over 2 months, actually. Kind of crazy. And just goes to show that I have nothing to really write about. In the past, the more depressed I was, the more I was struggling, the more I would write. And now . . . well, now I'm doing so well. Writing about regular life seems so mundane, so boring. Because it kind of is. Like, we went to Japan again - and that was AWESOME - but there's not much else going on. I'm trying to work out consistently, eat healthier, do yoga (which I truly do love), and keep stress levels down.

My son, who you may or may not remember came out as trans, is not yet transitioning. Some days he dresses a little more femininely, some days more masculine, but he's the same kid regardless. He's working pretty much full time, saving money for - get this - school in Japan. He's going to go to Pikes Peak State College for a year or two and then he hopes to transfer to a university in Osaka, Japan. This came as a shock to hubs and I, but I mean, if he really wants it then more power to him. Might as well do it while you're young and without a ton of obligations. 

Other than that everything is status quo. Work is work. I was actually supposed to work today but was put on stand by (and have yet to be called off or called in). So I'm just chilling. Worked out, read a bit, going to maybe draw some . . . boring stuff. But, boring is good. Because it means I'm doing good. No news is good news, right?

Tuesday 5/13/25 Been a bit again

 It's been 2 months since I last wrote. Surprisingly, not much has happened in the last 2 months. 

My son got a job, and sometimes he wears makeup to work. It's getting less weird to see him in makeup. We're still using male pronouns for now though I think this will change in the near future. I think that when we get back from vacation he's going to see a doctor and start hormone therapy. And I think when we start seeing changes in him that it will be a little more difficult to deal with. Because right now everything is status quo except for the occasional makeup wearing. It's easy to forget that he's transgender. But with hormone therapy that will change. And I see myself struggling with this a little more (as well as my hubby). But, time will tell.

We leave next week for Japan, the day after son graduates. That's another weird thing - he's graduating high school. It's crazy. He's a literal adult now. And I'm proud of him. He's such a good kid. We'll have his graduation party when we get back from Japan (I'm hoping people actually come - most of family lives out of town). 

So yeah. Big trip, second time to Japan. It'll be so nice to get away and not worry about work or normal day to day things. We have a lot planned, including a trip to Mount Fuji (which we didn't get to see last time). Go karts in the streets of Osaka, the World Fair, a sumo dinner experience . . . it'll be fun. And probably exhausting. But that's okay. 

I don't really have much else to report on right now. Maybe, when we get back, I can figure out how to post photos on here since as of right now that function isn't working. We'll see.  

Wednesday 3/12/25 Wow.

 Well, it's been a while. A loooong while. Things have mostly been status quo. Mostly. And then my world was turned upside down. Just recently. Last week. I've been an emotional mess, I haven't been sleeping. I'm trying so hard to remain in control, keep up the facade of normalcy, and I'm exhausted.

What happened?

Last week my son told me he was trans. It came out of nowhere. We were talking about random stuff, kids, politics, dinner . . . Then he told me the girl he's been hanging out with is trans (male to female). Okay. Cool. No big deal. Then he said he thought that he was trans as well. And I was just like, uhhhhhh . . . what? Straight out of left field. Not something that was remotely on my radar. At. All. And I did my best not to show him how shocked I was. I asked him some questions but I didn't know what to say. I was flabbergasted. I was truly at a loss for words. I told him I loved him and that would never change. That I would support him. That I wanted him to be happy and healthy. He hugged me and thanked me for being open. He asked me not to tell hubby/dad yet - he wanted to wait until after his 18th birthday (which was the 8th). And then he went out with his friend and I was left to absorb all of this information alone. 

Alone.

Because he practically begged me not to tell hubby/dad yet. This was on the 3rd. A Monday. He left, I cried. I was home alone. I texted my best friend with the information I had learned and I sat. I sat and stared off into space because I didn't know what else to do. Hubby came home and we went to the gym. Worked out. And I couldn't tell him. And it was already eating me up inside. I felt so alone and scared and confused. 

The whole week was rough. I had to work of course, and that was hard. Keeping it together. Acting like there was nothing wrong when I was constantly close to tears. But I made it through. Son had his birthday last Saturday. It was good I suppose. We went to Dave and Busters. A couple of his friends came, they had fun. Sunday I worked. I told son that on Monday I was going to tell hubby/dad. He said okay. Hubby and I went out for coffee and I told him. I told him everything. And he was in disbelief, asked when the camera crew was going to come out because he was being punked. We talked. A lot. 

Son had said that he didn't want to change his name. Didn't want to dress differently. Didn't mind if people messed up his pronouns. But he wanted to do hormone therapy. But he wasn't changing anything else. Didn't want surgery. So in my mind this wasn't real. Maybe it's a phase. Maybe he'll change how he feels. I mean, being a white, cis, male is out right now. So maybe he's exploring or confused or feeling pressured. Maybe this wasn't real. 

And then? Then hubby and I sat down with him and had a family discussion. And you know what? This is real. This is fucking real. The absolute pain that my son is in is real. Mental and emotional pain that I can't fathom. He's been feeling this way for years. Keeping it a secret. He said that for 4-5 years he's had these thoughts and feelings and that in the past 2 years he's been certain that he's trans. He's been going to therapy off and on for a year but never let us in on what he talked with his therapist about. 

It was this. This is what he's been talking about in therapy.

And we never knew. Never had any idea. We knew he had some depression and anxiety, but not to this extent. I feel so horrible. My heart hurts for him and I feel like I've failed him because I had no idea. It guts me to see him hurting so badly. But I don't know what to do. I'm lost. We told him how much we love him and how we'll always be there for him. Is that enough? I don't think it is. But I don't know what else to do. 

Hubby and I have some reservations about him starting hormone therapy so young. I think we want to make sure he's positive that this is what he wants. That he's not going to regret this decision in a few years. We're scared and probably a bit selfish. Because it feels like we're losing him. I know we're not, not really, he's still here. But it's different. We had hopes and dreams for him and now things have changed. There's sense of loss that goes along with that. A loss that has to be grieved. This is something that hubby and I have to work through. We're both struggling though. Because no one prepares you for this. We're trying. In a few years I'm sure things will seem "normal". A new normal, but normal. This is what we hope for. And that our son won't shut us out because of us struggling. That's probably my biggest fear - really losing him because he shuts us out. I want to always have him in my life, no matter what that looks like. 

This has been hard. But we've made it through hard things before. We'll make it through this and hopefully be stronger because of it, closer because of it. For now though I'm going to love my son and support him any way I can. Because as hard as this is for hubby and I, he's the one going through it. And I can't imaging what he's going through. 

So yeah. That's all for now. 

Tuesday 1/14/25 Oh my . . .

 Been almost a month again since my last post. My posts are so sporadic now which, I guess, is a good thing. It means I'm doing well. When I'm depressed my posts are weekly or more frequently than that. So we're going to call sporadic posts a good thing. 

The past month has been pretty, uh, routine. There's not much of anything going on. I finally did some artwork (a doodle in my sketchbook and a painting) and have a few sketches I need to paint. Though I don't feel like painting today. I actually don't feel like doing much of anything today. I had physical therapy this morning and now I'm just meh. Unmotivated. My therapist did some dry needling in my right SI joint and now I'm all achy and sore (dry needling is where they take acupuncture needles and insert them deep into the muscle and then sometimes apply a light current through them). I was going to do yoga when I got home but I'm just not feeling it today. I worked out yesterday, will workout on Thursday and Saturday, so I guess it's okay to take today off. 

I don't think I've mentioned why I'm in physical therapy. My right lower back (truly my right SI joint) has been hurting for months. I saw my doc, we did x-rays, and she recommended PT. It took over a month for me to get in to PT, which is kind of dumb. While waiting for PT, the pain was constantly achy with sharp stabs. It hurt mostly when I was sitting, so I couldn't sit for long periods. Standing, walking, laying down . . . mostly okay. Now it's mainly achy, though I do get sharp stabs with certain movements. It's a lot better than what it was though. There was no injury, no reason I could see as to why I'm hurting. My therapist thinks it's repetitive motions from work and that my muscles finally said screw you. At least I'm able to sit comfortably now without it hurting too much. I'm trying to strengthen my core and I'm doing my exercises at home, but so far I haven't noticed much of a difference. And PT is expensive (my copay is $77 each visit), so I was hoping to not have to have many sessions. So far I've had 4 and have another one this Thursday. Oy. 

Everything else is status quo. I need to figure out what I'm going to do with my day, besides laundry. Never ending laundry. 

Tuesday 12/17/24 Damn, it's been awhile

 It's been a month and a half since I last wrote! Holy crap! I have to admit though, I haven't been spending much time in my office as of late (which is a shame). I've been doing other things. Like reading and cleaning and going through a stop-binge-and-emotional-eating program. I've missed being in my office. I cleaned it up, got rid of a bunch of crap, and organized it, so it's quite nice to be in. I've just been . . . busy, I guess. I haven't done any artwork in about a month as well (and my last artwork was a doodle). 

So. My eating program. It's set up so that I do a module a week, and each module is anywhere from 4 to 8ish videos chock full of info on emotional and binge eating and how to overcome it. I mostly emotionally eat (when I'm stressed, sad, anxious, bored, happy . . .), but this sometimes turns into binge eating. It mostly happens at work, where I just can't seem to control myself. So I've been doing this program. Tomorrow I'll unlock week 5. And I must say, I've been doing better. And not beating myself up when I have a slip up (which is something I was doing on the regular). I'm proud of myself. I've also been exercising consistently on my days off from work, doing yoga and weights. And I freaking LOVE yoga! I recently bought myself a nice yoga mat, which is a game changer (the mat I was using was a cheap foam-ish mat that I slipped on). So yeah. I've been doing good on that front. I haven't lost much weight - in fact, I've gained 9 pounds since being off the semaglutide. However, I don't really care because I'm feeling so much better. I didn't realize how horrible I felt on the semaglutide until I stopped it. It was awful. 

Mood wise I've been fabulous. I've been stable for, I don't know, over a year? I'm having normal emotions and a normal range of emotions, which is spectacular. I feel good. I don't really get anxious anymore, I haven't been depressed, haven't been irritable . . . I'm just doing so freaking good! It's a breath of fresh air, you have no idea. There is, however, one thing I really need to work on. And that's my impulsive purchases. I'm bad about that. Really bad. And it makes me feel guilty. With black Friday and cyber Monday I kinda went overboard. I bought several bracelets, a necklace, a new hoodie (which I did need), a new collar for Moya (which she did need), some artwork, a yoga inspired shirt, and various other little things. The small purchases add up. I know this. And yet I still do it. Funny thing, I feel I did good. Because I didn't buy half of the stuff I wanted. But still, it needs to stop. I'm going to apply the techniques I'm learning from my food course to spending, see if it helps. I'm hoping it does. Because yeah. Sometimes I think Jer wants to shake me because of this. 

Anyhoo, that's about it for now. Toodle loo.

Monday 11/4/24 Jury Duty!!

 That's right. I have jury duty today. Luckily I didn't have to show up at 8am - I'm a "backup juror". So I have to call at 11:30 to see if I have to go in this afternoon. I was supposed to work today so I kind of have a free day off, which I'm fine with. 

It's been a minute again since I've posted. There isn't anything much going on, I'm stable and happy, we're pretty boring . . . I always seem to post more when I'm not doing well. 

I guess the only exciting news is with Ayden - he was accepted to UCCS, which is his first choice in colleges. He'll be going into their psych program as he wants to be a therapist. Last Friday he got to tour the school and have lunch and a meet-and-greet with some of the academic advisors. I'm very proud of him. He's also been driving more since we bought him his own car. Which is great because, well, next year he'll be in college and there's no way we can drive him to and from classes. UCCS is about a 15 minute drive from our house which is very convenient. I believe Ayden is planning on living at home while he gets his degree to save some money (living in Colorado is freaking EXPENSIVE). We'll help him in whatever way we can.

As for my back pain, it's still there. Not as frequent, and not as bad, but I still get it. Wednesday will have been 3 weeks off of semaglutide so I guess I'll probably be going back to the doctor's office for imaging and physical therapy. Ugh. I was really hoping that it would go away. I don't think I'm going to start back up on the semaglutide though - it's been so nice not being nauseous all the time. I've actually been able to work out consistently these past 3 weeks which feels wonderful. I have however gained 3 pounds back. Annoying. Because my appetite is back with a vengeance. I feel hungry all the time, even after I've just finished eating. Which makes it really hard to eat less. I'm hoping the exercising will counteract the increase in calories so I don't gain more weight. I still want to lose another 20 pounds! Time will tell I guess.

Anyway, that's all for now. 

Wednesday 10/16/24 What a Pain

 Literally. A pain in my back. Ugh. Back pain sucks. It's been going on for around 4-5 months? Ever since I started semaglutide. It's not constant, thank God, but it hurts. It's mid back, from about T6-T11. A nagging ache that motrin and Tylenol don't touch. Laying down is the only thing that helps. It's worse at work and usually starts in the afternoon or evening and continues until I lay down to go to sleep. I'd rate it about a 5 on the pain scale. So I saw my doctor about it this morning and she wants me to stop the semaglutide for 3 weeks to see if the pain goes away. If not, then it's physical therapy and imaging. 

I'm a little nervous about stopping the semaglutide. I've lost 38 pounds on it so far. I was hoping to lose another 20. Without the semaglutide I'm worried about being able to do that. Of course, I had planned on stopping it when my current supply is gone (about a month and a week left) because I'm tired of the nausea all the time. So I'm just stopping sooner. I'll just need to be aware of how much I'm eating and continue with my new eating habits. And also work out consistently. I can do this. I know I can.

In other news, I got a new tattoo! Hooray! Finally! I got my Kitsune on my left forearm. It has 3 tails - one each for myself, Jeremy, and Ayden. With cherry blossoms and a lotus flower. I love it so much! I really wish I could get blogger to let me upload images but it just won't. I don't know why. I've tried everything I know to do. Oh well. Just know that it looks soooooo good! I posted pics on my Instagram, so I guess you could look there (@clparr82). 

Work is work. I thankfully haven't been charge every shift anymore. I've had some floor days and nursery days, which is lovely. So that's better. 

Anyhoo, that's all I guess.

Thursday 9/26/25 Happy Belated Birthday to Me

 Yesterday was my birthday. I am now 46 years old - officially closer to 50 than to 40. Which is kind of weird. Because I feel like I'm maybe in my early 30's (and my sense of humor would suggest that I'm a 13 year old boy). But, no, I'm 46. Anyway, I spent the day painting bookmarks and being otherwise lazy. We got Chic Fil A for dinner and then went out for ice cream. It was a nice, relaxed day. 

Today I haven't really done anything. Showered . . . um, that's it. I'm meeting up with a friend this afternoon and we're going to face time our other friend who moved out of state to "celebrate" my birthday. It should be good. I get to open presents. And Lesley - our friend who moved - always gives me the most ridiculous shit. I have two packages from her that I haven't been allowed to open until we face time today. 

Tomorrow I work and Saturday we're heading up to the mountains to see the fall colors - the aspens are changing!

We bought Ayden his own car - a 2006 Scion TC (Scion is made by Toyota). He loves it! And is actually driving now (which was our goal). And he's doing well with driving. I'm actually pretty relaxed in the car with him (I wasn't relaxed when he was driving the 4Runner). So this is good. We got him a dash cam and he put some stickers on the back window and showed it off to his friends. He seems motivated now. Hooray! Although it is a reminder of how grown up he is. Oy. 

That's all for now. Bye!

Monday 9/9/24 Sick

 Sick. We've all been sick this past week and a half. It's been great fun. I didn't think one person could produce so much mucus, but here we are. I'm feeling better, mostly, still feel tired and run down, with a cough and runny nose and chest congestion. It started with Ayden, then Jeremy got sick, then me. I'm not enjoying this, to say the least. Oh well, life goes on.

There isn't anything else going on though. Work is work. I had to call in sick a day last week because of this cold. I was supposed to be nursery yesterday but ended up charge instead. Again. I'm so sick of being charge every single shift. It should start getting better this week - I'm scheduled on the floor the next two days I work, so . . . we'll see. 

My  weight loss has kind of stalled out at 30 pounds and I don't know how much longer I'm going to stay on the semiglutide. I'm tired of being nauseous all the time and gagging over everything (taking vitamins, drinking plain water, etc.). It's getting old. I was really hoping to lose another 20 pounds but I just don't know if that's going to happen. I definitely feel better where I'm at now than when I started - 30 pounds is a lot of weight! - but I still have a ways to go to be where I want to be. I don't know what my decision will be though. Time will tell I guess. 

That's all for now. I'm pretty boring.

Friday 8/23/24 Iced Coffee

 Iced coffee is the bomb diggity. I'm drinking some right now. I will almost never say no to an iced coffee - even in winter. 

Anyway, I am sore. I started lifting weights again this week and I probably did too much too soon. I haven't lifted weights in a long time (6, 7 months?) and I think I pushed myself a little too hard. I'm paying for it now. Oh well. I need to be consistently working out, and I need to be lifting weights. But I'll go a little easier on myself next week. I have, however, lost 30 pounds, which I'm pretty happy with. In a perfect world I'd lose another 20, but I'm getting tired of the constant nausea from the semaglutide. I'm not sure how much longer I'll stay on it.

I've found myself feeling blah lately. Not down or anything, just blah. No motivation, no inspiration, just a bump on a pickle. I don't like feeling this way but I can't seem to snap myself out of it. I don't know what I need. I know work isn't helping with this. I feel so exhausted on my days off that I don't accomplish much. We're short staffed every. Single. Day. And I'm fucking over it. And I'm charge. Every. Single. Shift. And I'm over that, too. I work this weekend and I'm  - surprise! - charge. And all next week too. I think the following week I start to do charge less. Thank god. But it's been miserable. Being constantly busy and constantly short staffed and constantly working my ass off. 

In other news, we booked our flights to Japan for next year. Very exciting stuff. This time we're flying straight from Denver to Tokyo - no layovers like last time, which will be nice. Last year we flew out of the Colorado Springs airport so we had to stop in Las Vegas before continuing on to LA, and then LA to Tokyo. On the way back was Tokyo to LA, LA to Phoenix, and Phoenix to Colorado Springs. Too many stops and chances of delayed flights (which Phoenix to Colorado Springs was delayed 3 hours). So yeah. This will be much nicer. Now we need to figure out our itinerary so we can book hotels. 

That's it for now.

Thursday 8/8/24 Stuff and Stuff

 Well, it's been a while again since I've written. There's nothing too exciting going on, at least not today. I went to the DMV to get custom plates for my new truck - they'll say ICKYDOG. I'm excited for them. And the DMV surprisingly didn't take long and wasn't nearly as expensive as I thought it would be, so yay! And I'm doing laundry, so much fun.

We did, however, go to California last week to visit my family (my grandma and uncle). It was a short trip (4 days) but was lovely. We stayed with my Uncle and aunt and saw 2 of my cousins and spent lots of time with my grandma (who isn't doing the greatest). We also went to Newport Beach and Little Tokyo (in LA), and got Ayden a haircut in LA (which looks good). It was a busy 4 days but it was nice to be gone from regular life for a bit. And always nice to see family.

Work is still work. I'm charge every shift and that's annoying. But there's not much I can do about that right now. Hopefully that will get better by the end of August. We're still busy and we're still short staffed. It is what it is, I guess.

My mood, however, is doing a little better. Not as much existential dread or irritability, which is good. Maybe our quick trip helped with that. 

I still can't get photos to upload here. I can view my images, but can't get them to upload. It's very annoying. So again, no artwork today.

Wednesday 7/17/24 Ugh

 I've had some more rough days. Both at work and at home. Yesterday and Monday in particular were not great. Monday I was down and had no energy. Yesterday I was irritable and down and couldn't seem to get out of my funk. I felt like Jer was mad at me (he wasn't). But I felt that way so it was harder for me to come out of my funk. I'm over feeling like this. Why? Why does it always have to come back? Yeah. I know. I have bipolar disorder. That's what it does. But why can't I go a little hypomanic? Just a little. My Vraylar does a little too good of a job at keeping my highs in check. 

A little hypomania would be so nice right now. I'd have energy. I could get stuff done. I could feel really good. But no. No, my stupid brain always has to swing the other way. It's frustrating. I'm frustrated and irritable and down. Lame.

Also, I'm so burned out with work. The past 2 months have been stupid busy. Like, STUPID busy. Everyday we're asking for help. Every. Single. Day. We're always short staffed. Morale is down. Everyone is tired of being overworked and short staffed. It sucks. This week was supposed to be better. There wasn't much actually scheduled c-section and induction wise. A nice breather. Well, ha ha, no. I got a text again this morning looking for help today. So what the fuck. Part of me feels obligated to go in and help. But I'm not going to. I work the next two days. And if we're looking for help again today, then most likely we'll need it for the next 2 days as well. Meaning I'll get to work short staffed yet again. Tomorrow I'm primary nursery (meaning I'm attending deliveries). There was only one c-section and 2 inductions scheduled when I looked on Sunday. I wonder if that's changed. Friday I'm charge again. Pretty much every single shift I'm charge is a shit show. Tons of deliveries, not enough discharges to absorb deliveries, not enough staff, drama on the floor . . . a regular old dumpster fire. This past Sunday was the exception - it was actually a pleasant day. I didn't want to rip my hair out at the end of the shift. But that's not how it usually goes. 

So Yeah. Work has been sucky, my mood is sinking, and I don't know what to do about it. At least, I guess, I'm losing weight. Slowly but steadily I'm losing weight. Down 25 pounds now. Go me. 

I was going to upload a recent painting that I did, since it's been awhile since I posted one, but my computer is being a bag of dicks and won't let me. Well, I guess it's not my computer, it's blogger blocking it for some reason. I don't know. So no painting today. Sorry.

Monday 7/8/24 Rough

 Feeling rough again. Down. Melancholy. Irritable. All of those things. And, really, I have been for several days in a row now. This is very frustrating for me. I've had such a long streak of doing well and now, well, I'm not. I'm not depressed. I wouldn't say that, not yet. But I appear to be heading in that direction. This is so. Fucking. Annoying. I don't want to have another ketamine infusion. Those are expensive. And I'm already expensive because I'm on the semaglutide. I want to be back to how I was - content. Unbothered. Happier. Not how I am now.

It started out feeling down at times at work. If I wasn't doing something I'd get this mild existential dread. And it would pass, or I would get busy and forget about it. But it started happening more frequently. And now I'm feeling it at home. Yesterday I just wanted to be asleep. I was questioning what the point of being awake was. If I'm going to feel like crap I'd rather sleep through it. But alas, I cannot. No, I have to be a functional adult and do things. Which is dumb. Like work. I work tomorrow. And my friend/coworker is having her baby tomorrow and I'm going to have to be happy and whatnot and I'm just not feeling it. Maybe tomorrow will be different. And if not, hopefully I can put on a good show. 

I keep thinking, maybe if I could have a good cry I'd feel better. But I can't seem to get to that point - I can't cry. I can feel like I'm going to, even tear up a little, but I can't seem to do it. So I just feel down and angry. The irritability is a bitch, too. I feel so cranky over everything. I'm not snapping at Jeremy or Ayden or anything. I feel it most when I'm driving or I'm at work. I hate it. 

Anyway, not much of anything else is going on. I want to draw and paint but I have no motivation. I need to make my mom's birthday card (her birthday was yesterday - we're going out to dinner on Wednesday), but I'm lacking ideas. I'll come up with something, I'm sure, but probably not today. *sigh*

Wednesday 6/26/24 Blah

 Originally I wasn't going to write today. I don't have much of anything to say. But I'm feeling pretty low today and I don't know why. I slept okay, had breakfast, worked out, showered . . . and then, this *vaguely gestures at self*. I don't know. I don't know what my deal is today. I know I've been trending down again, but it hasn't been bad - just noticeable. Today though . . . I just want to hide away. Or stare off into space. Or doom-scroll. I really don't feel great. Really, I want to go back to bed and wait for the day to pass. But alas, I cannot. I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon and I feel like I should try and be productive. I tried to read. Made myself an iced matcha latte, sat out on the deck with a book. But I couldn't read. I couldn't focus. So now I'm in my studio writing this, hoping that if I get it off my chest I'll feel better. 

I'd love to paint. I'd love to be creative. But the thought of trying to do that is overwhelming right now. Everything is a little overwhelming right now. I worked yesterday, I work the next 2 days, and I don't want to. I notice my down feelings more at work. So, knowing how I'm feeling right now, I don't want to feel like this tomorrow. It will be noticeable to people because I'll pretty much shut down. Ugh. 

I just wish I knew the cause of this. If there was something that triggered me to feel like crap. If there was, I have no idea what it was. Oh well, what can ya do? Guess I'll scroll pinterest and make lunch, go to my appointment. Ciao. 

Thursday 6/6/24 Been awhile again

 Yeah, it's been a while since I last wrote. Three weeks or so. There's just nothing that exciting going on. Going to work, reading, doing laundry . . . nothing exciting. I've hit a dry spell creatively and haven't done any art in 2 or more weeks. I'm going to try today to do something. Anything to get my creative juices flowing. We'll see what I come up with. 

My colonoscopy was largely normal - doc removed two very small polyps which were benign. Hooray. I don't think I need another one for 5 years. Which is good because the prep was AWFUL. It tastes like salt water with a hint of artificial lemon flavor. So gross. 

In other news, I feel my mood slipping a little bit. Trending towards the melancholy. I notice myself feeling a little down at times and more easily angered (which is usually a sign that I'm slipping). It's not bad, and it's not all the time, but it's there. And that's annoying. And possibly a reason for my artistic dry spell. 

I don't really have anything else right now. So toodle loo! 

Monday 5/13/24 Been a minute

 It's been a little bit since I last wrote. I'm at the end of having 8 days off in a row (it would have been 6 days but I had to call in sick one day, so 8). It's been nice. Really nice. Except for today I'm doing a bowel prep for a colonoscopy tomorrow morning. So much fun. So much. This is my first colonoscopy, just a routine one, because I'm the magical age of 45 and my doc wants me to have one. I have to drink the second half of my prep at 11pm tonight so I will literally be up all night pooping. Oy vey. Oh well, it'll be over soon. 

There really isn't anything much going on. I got a new truck - a 2017 Toyota Tacoma TRD Off Road. I love it. Her name is Betty. We traded in my 2009 Tacoma (Walter). It was time for an upgrade and Betty is fancy with all the bells and whistles. Walter was really starting to show his age (I think hubby thought he was ugly). And Betty only has 39,000 miles (Walter had 176,000). So that's fun!

We've been getting more into talking about our next trip to Japan, which is tentatively scheduled for next May/June. Going the same time of year as our first trip so it doesn't mess up school for Ayden (though I would prefer to go in October to see the fall colors). Only thing, we plan on staying in Osaka most of the time and in 2025 it's the World's Fair so it will probably be busier and more expensive. Don't know how that's going to work. We're debating on using a travel agent again to plan. I think that we should, just to be on the safe side with booking hotels, etc. (I'd have more peace of mind), but it does cost more money. I'd rather spend the extra though and not have any loose ends. We'll see. We're trying to figure out everything we want to do and see. We only spent 2 days in Osaka last time, hence spending more time there this time. There is a village north east of Tokyo (I think) that has tons of foxes and I would absolutely LOVE to visit it and see them. But it's quite a bit out of the way so I don't know if it will be feasible. We'll have to do more research. And we'll spend a day in Nara again to play with the deer (because I love them). Other than that everything is up in the air right now. 

On the weight loss front I'm still losing about 2 pounds a week. Which I keep telling myself is healthy, sustainable weight loss (I really wanted more dramatic results though). I just need to keep it up. I'll get there. I'm starting to see results in my tummy area, which is nice to actually see the change on me - not just the scale.

Anyway, that's it I guess.