Thursday 7/29/21 I got my tattoo!

 Holy cow y'all! July is almost over! This summer has flown by! Just, really flown by. It's hard to believe that my son will be starting high school on August 16th - that's not far away. It's crazy. But it's happening. 

In other news, yes, I'm still burnt out at work. It's been a little better, but I'm still burnt out. This week is Monday, Wednesday, and Friday (although I was asked if I'd work today too - I declined). This week has been ever so slightly slower, but still busy in the big scheme of things. Still looking forward to my time off in August. 

Also, today has been weird. I woke up feeling weak and lightheaded and stayed that way all morning. I was planning on getting on the spin bike and doing legs, but I couldn't. Just walking bills out to the mailbox made me short of breath and feeling like I was going to pass out. I don't know what was up. I've also had the trots today, all morning really. That seems to have subsided now. Thank goodness! I don't like feeling how I was. I thought maybe low blood sugar or low blood pressure, but I have no way to test those theories. I've eaten breakfast and lunch and am feeling a bit better now, but still like I have no energy. Which is annoying. I want to be able to workout. 

And, like the title says, I did get my tattoo last Friday! I love it! I went with a new artist this time around and couldn't be happier. It only took 2 hours and didn't hurt at all. 

This was taken two days after having it done (it's currently in the peeling stage). My little chickadee. This is on the top of my right forearm. Pretty darn cool, right? It's my own artwork, as are most of my tattoos. 

Tuesday 7/20/21 Been a Minute

 It's been a couple weeks since I last wrote. No real reason really, just nothing much to say I guess. 

I'm so burnt out at work. It's been so busy and I've been working my call shifts in addition to my regular shifts. I need a break. A real break. I'm taking ten days off the end of August (for getting my tooth pulled) and it can't come fast enough. I'm at the point where I practically dread going into work. I work the next two days and I wish I didn't. I'm so tired of work. I'm so burnt out. And I don't know what to do about it. I know everybody gets this way about their job from time to time . . . it's just that I've felt this way for the past several months with no end in sight. I'm crankier. I don't connect as much with my patients. And I'm losing patience. I'm just so tired. It's hard to find the joy in what I do right now. Maybe if it wasn't so damn busy all the time. Maybe if we weren't short staffed every single day. Maybe if I could just take a break. I don't know. But I'm sick of feeling this way. 

In my last post I believe I talked about joining Warrior Babe Blueprint - a nutrition and fitness program. I've watched quite a few of the modules now and I'm counting my macros. I'm working out consistently. And I lost four pounds this past week. It's pretty awesome. I'm on my way to a new, healthier, sustainable lifestyle. And I'm thankful for that. I've learned a lot through the modules and I'm now applying it to my life. I'm going to crush my weight loss goals!

This Friday I'm getting my next tattoo - a chickadee on a pine tree branch. It's weird, but I haven't gotten really excited about it. I think because I'm thinking that something is going to happen so that I can't get it. Which would suck. Because I really want this tattoo. I'm sure Friday morning I'll be excited. 

Also, the past couple of weeks I've been having more twangs of anxiety. They don't last long, but they're there. And it's annoying. I'm feeling anxious right now in fact. Which is super dumb because I'm just sitting on the couch typing this. Nothing else is going on. I mean, WTF brain?? What's up with this??

This post wouldn't be complete without me writing something about my grandpa. See, my grandpa has been deteriorating rapidly the past week or so. He has congestive heart failure and 3rd stage kidney failure. And, I guess, dementia. He has been acting erratically and was even sent to a psych hospital for suicidal and homicidal ideation. He punched a nurse there. They sent him back to the medical hospital because of his declining health. He remains there. My mom and her hubby are driving out to see him and help my grandma move into an assisted living facility. I don't know what's going to come of all of this. My grandpa is in bad shape and it would probably be best for him to pass. I hate to say that, but it's true. I know this has added stress to my life, even though I'm not particularly close to him. He's still family and this is rough. 

So I'm burnt out, with added family stress and anxiety resurfacing. No wonder I'm feeling like crap. I'm trying to prioritize self care, with naps and working out high up there on the list. 

I guess that's it for today.

Tuesday 7/6/21 Well, I did something . . .

 So yeah. As the title states, I did something. Something I think I'm going to be proud of. Something that I think is going to help me immensely. Something . . . that my hubby doesn't know about yet. Oops. So this thing I did, what is it? Well, I joined a  training program called Warrior Babe Blueprint. It is a program that will teach me how to eat appropriately for my body type to lose weight, gain muscle, and then maintain what I achieve. It's a program that is set up much like my Mental and Emotional Mastery program was set up (which, I might add, I excelled at). It's a series of learning modules that I go through at my own pace. I'll learn about macros and what to eat when, how to measure my food accurately (instead of just eyeballing it like I do now). I'll learn which cardio and strength training exercises are best suited to my body type and my goals. I'll learn how to take control of my body and make it into what I want. It will help me eat better, sleep better, be better. I'll have more energy and hopefully won't need my customary afternoon nap (pretty much every day I'm off I nap - not because I want to, but because I don't feel like I can't function without one). I am super excited to start this program!! I signed up today. The only problem is the cost - it's not cheap. But I'm looking at this as a major investment in myself. I invested in myself last year when I did Mental and Emotional Mastery, I'm investing in myself this year by doing this. I'm worth it. And the program comes with tons of support from nutrition and fitness coaches every step of the way. For life. I can use this program and the support of coaches for life. That's huge. This is a lifestyle change. A lifestyle change for the better. I'm going to get healthy and strong. I'm going to excel. I am going to do this!!

Anyway, there isn't much of anything else going on. Work and sleep and sleep and work. I worked the 4th of July, which I figured would be a nice, chill day. It wasn't. I did 7 deliveries. It was busy. One, for a Sunday, but then especially for a holiday Sunday! I definitely earned my time and a half. I worked yesterday too and it was just as dumb. And the vibe was off yesterday. It just seemed like a weird day. But I'm off today and the next 2 days, so that's nice (I plan on starting my new program tomorrow - power through the learning!). 

That's all for today. Keep it pretty short.

Wednesday 6/30/21 Dentist Fun

 Does anyone really like going to the dentist? I certainly don't. Even for cleanings. But I went to the dentist on Monday for tooth pain. My lower left molar, the one that's furthest back. Now, ten months ago this tooth cracked and I had a root canal done with a crown put on. Root canals are not pleasant. No one wants a root canal. And I have TMJ pretty bad so keeping my mouth wide open for an hour and a half was torture (even though they used a bite block). So I had this done and have had pain in that tooth since. It's not constant and some days are worse than others. Last week I had excruciating pain and decided it was high time I went back to the dentist (I saw the dentist and endodontist after the root canal for pain and was told to "just wait longer"). Well, my tooth hasn't healed. And there's shadowing in my jaw bone (apparently that's bad). I was given two choices: have them drill into the side of my jaw, scrape everything out, and fill it with more sealant (which I was told probably won't heal since I didn't heal from the root canal), or have my tooth pulled. I don't like either choice. At all. But I opted to go for having my tooth pulled. Of course, my dentist can't do it. No, I have to go to an oral surgeon to have it pulled. Under anesthesia. Because the extraction is "sure to be brutal because of how much sealant I have in that tooth". Um, what? My dentist further told me that I would need 3-5 days off after having the tooth pulled because I would be in "so much pain I won't be able to work". Oh joy. This just keeps getting better and better. And I can only have soft foods for at least two weeks after. To say I'm not looking forward to this is an understatement. But I scheduled it, for August 24th. That way I can work that Sunday and Monday (22nd and 23rd) and use a day of vacation so I have a full week off after having it done. I'm not one for mouth pain. I'm kind of a wuss in that department. Yeah I know I've had pain the last 10 months, but it's been more of a dull companion than anything else. When it got bad I went in. So I get to have a tooth pulled. Which, even though you won't be able to see it (since it's a molar), makes me feel, I don't know, weird. I'll get over it, I'm sure. 

Tomorrow is July, which is crazy! Time is flying by! I'm glad though because July 23rd I get my new tattoo. Something to look forward to. Because I don't think we're really going to do anything this summer. No big vacation or anything. Even getting away for a night or two proves hard to do when you have no one to watch your dog. It's okay though. We can take a couple of day trips. That's better than nothing. 

That's about it. There's nothing much else going on. Work and naps. No motivation. Same old, same old. 

 

Tuesday 6/22/21 Two Weeks

 Wow. It's been two weeks since my last post. I meant to blog last week but just didn't get around to it. Maybe because there's nothing much exciting going on.

Work is still busy and we're back to mandatory floating again. Which sucks. I hate floating to other units. But the whole hospital is busy. In fact, most days we're at capacity. On all units. And there have been a lot of psych patients apparently because our nurses and CNAs are floating to be "sitters" (you basically "sit" in the patient's room and watch them if they're a risk to themselves or others). Great fun. Ugh. But you do what you gotta do I guess. It just sucks. 

My brain is still being an asshole on occasion. If I'm busy I seem to do okay. But when I have downtime I tend to trend downwards. I've had a couple days where I've been pretty down. Depressive symptoms. Which really annoys me. I'm fighting it as much as I can because I don't want to lose my foothold on stability. So I fight it. And sometimes fighting it means taking a nap. Sometimes I need to escape. 

I saw my psychiatrist today, I haven't seen him in 7 months. He's very happy with how well I'm doing. We're not changing any of my meds and I'll see him again in 6 months (sooner, of course, if I need to, but I'm hoping I don't). Being on the Wellbutrin I'm still having trouble peeing. I can pee, it just takes me a couple of minutes to start going sometimes (usually worse at night). Dr. M said that now I know what it feels like to be an old man with an enlarged prostate! Yes, I guess I can sympathize now. Ha! We had a good laugh over that. Although, that's something I'd rather not sympathize with . . .

Aaaaaand, I'm getting my next tattoo July 23rd! Hooray!! I'm so excited! I'm seeing a new artist (my old one can't be bothered to call me back). He's a little more pricey but I think he'll be worth it. His work is amazing. Soon I'll have a little chickadee on my forearm. I can't wait! I wish I was getting it sooner, but I guess I can wait a month (I really have no choice . . . ). 

On the weight loss front I seem to be stuck where I'm at. Nineteen pounds lost. I had started a new plan called G Plans and since I've been following it I haven't lost any weight. It's very frustrating. It has me eating quite a bit of food. Too much I think. I know it's supposed to "ignite my fat burning potential", but now I'm just stuck. For two weeks now. I'm thinking I might stray off of it and do what I was doing before - modified paleo diet, cutting refined carbs and sugars, and watching my calories. Admittedly, I need to move more. In some manner I need to be working out. I still haven't started my yoga app and I've slipped behind on my face yoga. Last week I did however use my spin bike twice. It's a start. I'll get there. I know I will. One way or another.  

Tuesday 6/8/21 My brain, the asshole

 Sometimes my brain can be an asshole. But we know this - I'm bipolar. So really it's no surprise. But the past week I've had several down days, which is annoying, to say the least. Mostly I feel blah. But Sunday I felt down. Like, down. For no reason. I woke up feeling that way. So down I didn't want to go to church. But I went, and I'm glad I did because it helped a little. I found a perfect pinecone outside of our church and it helped lift my spirits a little bit. Then yesterday at work I was okay. My mood was pretty good.

Today though, today is not a good day. I'm cranky and annoyed with everything and feel down and blah all at the same time. I'm not in a good place today. And what doesn't help is that I just got off the phone with my mom. She called at 10:30 - in the morning - and she's already drunk. I have a very strained relationship with her (that's putting it lightly). And trying to talk to her when she's been drinking is horrendous. I can't. Fucking. Stand it. I'm not the best talking to her when she's sober (and, let's be honest, that's a rare thing), so dealing with her when she's drunk . . . let's just say it tries my patience. But I was the good daughter and talked to her on the phone, which really consists of me listening to her slur her words and complain about everything that is wrong in her life. She even complains about things that are good in her life. Everything is horrible and nothing is okay. It's exhausting and draining to have to listen to her and not lash out. So many of her problems would be solved if she didn't drink all day every day. 

But I digress. 

I tried to motivate myself this morning. To do something. Anything physical. I don't have the motivation. I don't have the drive. It's like I just don't care. But I did my face yoga (oh yeah - I started doing face yoga), and I stretched. It's all I could bring myself to do. On Thursday I'm going to try and do 10 minutes on the spin bike. Just 10. Start small. Make it a habit. Then increase my time gradually. That's my plan. Today I stretched, Thursday I'll do the spin bike. And then I'll try actual yoga. I mentioned last week that I had downloaded an app for yoga. Well, I have yet to use it. It intimidates me. So I'll start small. I'll build up. I'll get there. 

And today I emailed a guy about my next tattoo. I'm starting the process. Hopefully I can get my next one soon. Sooner rather than later. Hopefully it won't take long for this guy to get back to me. 

Anyway, that's about it. I had a lovely four day weekend this past weekend (except for my mood). There was much relaxing. And a drive up Rampart Range Rd into the mountains. Which I thoroughly enjoyed. The end.   

Tuesday 6/1/21 I Got Nothing

 It's hard to believe it's June already. It certainly doesn't feel like it - 1. because May went by so quickly, and, 2. the weather has been chilly and rainy most of May so it doesn't feel like summer. But here it is, June 1st. Hubby turns 44 in two days. Haha! He's old! But then, so am I. 

It's also kind of weird that I have nothing much to talk about. There isn't much going on. We had a garage sale this past Saturday which - surprise - got rained out. We're selling all of our Halloween decorations. All of them. There's a lot. We've sold a decent percentage but there's still more to go. Quite a bit more to go. Ugh. Eventually we'll sell them all. 

As of Saturday I've lost 19 pounds. Go me! This is a huge accomplishment for me. And all of this is just from changing my eating habits - I haven't been to the gym in about a month and a half. Crazy. I'm changing that this week. I'm going to get my butt moving again. In fact, I downloaded a yoga app on my phone and I'm going to start using it. And lifting weights. And doing cardio. I'll probably have to start slow, but that's okay. As long as I'm moving. 

I've almost got hubby convinced to let me get my tattoo . . . I got an extra $200 from work for picking up extra days (as a thank you from my boss), so I need about $400 more, to be on the safe side. I told him it could be an early birthday gift for me :D So we'll see. Hopefully I'll be able to get it this summer. 

In other news, I was called off today from work which is very nice. I have lots of PTO to kill - I have as much as I can have and I can't accrue more until I use some. I like getting paid to sit at home. Though I am a little bored . . . oh well. Go to the gym this afternoon and maybe get on the spin bike. 

That's about it. There's nothing new or exciting going on.

The End.