Tuesday 11/9/21 Work and Overwhelm

 Well, here we are again, you and I. A little over a week has gone by and I'm very tired and burnt out. I'm also feeling a little bit used. More on that in a minute. 

How are you, faithful reader? There's only one of you (or maybe there's more who stumble upon my blog and the count doesn't show it - who knows). I'm doing . . . okay. I've been battling a cold the past week and my congestion and cough are horrible. It's been keeping me up at night - most notably last night. Though I feel fine - not sick at all, really - just tired and congested. I hate colds like this, that linger. It's very annoying. I still worked, even though I was "under the weather". I don't like calling in sick and I felt well enough to work, so why not? We're all wearing masks anyway, so I'm probably not spreading too many germs. 

Last week I worked 4 days - two 12 hour shifts and two 6 hour shifts. The 6 hour shifts were brutally slow. Why two 6 hour shifts and not one 12 hour? Well, that's because I split 2 shifts with a coworker (who is also a good friend). So instead of one full shift, I ended up with two half shifts. The first was Sunday, Halloween. My friend worked the morning and I worked the back half so she could take her son trick or treating. It was a slow afternoon that dragged on and on. Then I worked Wednesday and Friday full shifts. Both days were steady. Then this past Saturday was my other half shift. Again, I worked the second half so my friend could get family photos done. And this is why I feel a bit used. See, I'm pretty flexible with my work schedule. And everyone seems to know this. So everyone comes to me with trades. I usually say yes, because if I don't have anything planned, then why not? Right? I'm a good egg, helping my coworkers out. Which has been leaving me feeling taken advantage of. Why? Because there have been a couple times when I really needed a trade and no one was there to help me. But it's just expected of me to trade with others, move my shifts around to accommodate everyone else. I've been getting more and more frustrated with this. And this last swap with my friend was kind of the last straw. Mainly because she just expected me to do the trade, no questions asked. It just rubbed me the wrong way. Especially since I've been so burnt out at work. I didn't feel appreciated. Just . . . used. 

And I am still burnt out. Really burnt out. I worked all last weekend - Friday, Saturday, and Sunday - and I'm working all this weekend too. I want to go to church and watch football but nooooo, my dumbass had to trade a shift. I'm trying to see the bright side. Like, it gives me 4 days off in a row. Time to recharge! Except I'm not recharging - I'm just annoyed and tired. I accomplished nothing yesterday and I've accomplished nothing today either. I'm so tired and I have no motivation. I get up, take the boy to school, have breakfast and coffee, and then go back to bed for an hour or so before I shower. Then I do nothing and end up taking a nap. This is what I do on my days off. And it is NOT recharging my battery. I feel worthless and pointless and unmotivated and lazy and fed up with myself. I hate that I'm doing this but I can't seem to stop or get out of this rut I'm in. It's like all I do is work and sleep my life away. Sounds like depression, doesn't it? I think there's a little bit there, hiding out in the shadows, not  really perceptible, but there none the less. And I think it's sapping my energy. My motivation. My joy. I think it's contributing to my burn out and overwhelm. And then my burn out and overwhelm make the depression that much stronger. It's a cycle. One I intend to break. I just don't know how. 

Tomorrow I'll start breaking it. Tomorrow I'm going to try something different. I'm going to get up early and shower before I take the boy to school. I'm not going to let myself lay back down. I'm not going to nap. I'm going to sew. I'm going to be productive. Tomorrow and Thursday (because starting Friday I'm back at work for 3 in a row). We'll see how I do. Fingers crossed.   

 

Monday 11/1/21 November . . .

 It's November. How the heck did that happen? Time seems to be flying by, but at the same time almost standing still. I don't know if that makes any sense. 

I'm feeling out of sorts today. Down, no motivation, no drive, no nothing. I feel like I'm running on empty. I didn't shower this morning until 10:30 - I laid in bed until then. I've managed to do laundry and the dishes, but that's it. I don't want to do anything else. Everything seems so hard. And pointless. And I know this feeling will pass - I felt this way a week and a half ago and it did, indeed, pass. But here I am again, feeling blah. I don't know what I need or what I'm, I guess, waiting for? I don't know. I just feel stuck. In a rut. And I can't seem to pull myself out of it. 

I had a good morning yesterday, went to mass, had coffee, hung out . . . and then I went in to work at 1 (I split the shift with another nurse). I got to work and I felt drained of all happiness. Drained of all my energy. Which made me realize just how burnt out I am at work. How much I don't want to be there, even though I do love my job. Something has to change, I just don't know what that something is. I don't want to change positions - I genuinely love what I do. I would be even more miserable on another unit (which, of course, we're all floating to other units to help out because the entire hospital is short staffed). And let's be honest - floating SUCKS. But I don't want to get into that right now. I want to reiterate how shocked I was at how unhappy I was at work yesterday. Maybe it's because I was bored. But, I found things to do. Maybe it's because of some of the people. But, I avoided them. I think I'm just horribly burnt out and I don't know what to do. And I know it's not just me - which is the sad thing. Most every nurse I know is burnt out right now. 

And then, last night I found out something terrible - my mom, who was supposed to fly to Arizona yesterday to help out my grandparents, was pushed by some asshole down an escalator. She spent the night in the hospital and fractured her arm and eye socket, and has 18 stitches in her face. She looks awful. I already hate people and this definitely does not instill hope in me for humanity. This hurts my heart and makes me incredibly angry. And I know it's probably contributing to my bad mood today. 

But what can I do? Everything is out of my control. The world is going to shit and there's nothing I can do. My mood is going to shit and there's nothing I can do. All of the positivity and mantras and napping, etc isn't doing anything. I'm still feeling crappy. All of this makes me wonder . . . maybe I don't love my job. Maybe I need something else. But what? I don't want to work on another unit. I really don't. When I think long and hard about it, I don't. Other units suck even more. Caring for new babies is rewarding. Helping new parents with their babies is rewarding. I need a break. I need a purpose. I need a why. I've lost my way it seems and I need some guidance. I need God's help in this. I guess I just put it in His hands and ask for help. Surrender. Have faith that He'll guide me straight. I don't know what else to do.  

Thursday 10/28/21 A Bit Better

 My last post was a bit of a downer, wasn't it? Yes, yes it was. I'm happy to say that I'm doing a bit better mentally this week, which is a good thing. I really am terribly burnt out at the moment and I need a good rest. 

I called in sick to work this morning. I worked yesterday - it was crazy busy. And so I was tired and I'm burnt out. And on Tuesday I hurt my back and have been in pain since then. It even hurt to just breathe. So I called in sick. For my back - so I could see my chiropractor today - and for my mental health - so I don't lose my shit. I saw my chiropractor about an hour ago and my back feels so much better. She worked on my right clavicle also which has been bothering me for the past two months (I'm icing it now as I type). I took Motrin, I had lunch, I'm relaxing. And I even think I'm going to book a massage! My chiropractor's hubby is a masseuse and he's very reasonably priced. So yes, I think a massage is in order. 

All of this is helping my mental state. I was able to sleep in this morning and have a lazy morning. I didn't get in the shower until 10. It is all much needed. Self care people! Let's be honest though - I  do feel guilty for calling in sick today. I don't like leaving my coworkers hanging. Night shift charge told me there was enough staff, but it still makes me feel guilty. However, I needed today. Sometimes you just gotta take a mental health day. 

Tomorrow we're going up to Denver to see Meow Wolf, an interactive art display. It should be cool. And a nice break from the daily grind. Saturday I get my hair cut, which I have been looking forward to because my hair is simply way too long (it's been 7 weeks since I last had it cut, and it wasn't quite short enough last time). Little things. Little snippets of self care, trying to combat my icky feels of last week. Because I really did feel pretty icky last week. I'm so glad I'm doing better. 

Thursday 10/21/21 Ugh

 I hate it when I feel compelled to write. I really do. Because usually the only time I feel compelled to write is when I'm not doing so good. Well, I'm not doing so good. 

I woke up this morning feeling like something had shifted, but I wasn't sure what. I took the boy to school, came home and made breakfast. It was while eating that I noticed the shift again. Staring off into space, feeling . . . down. Feeling . . . overwhelmed. Feeling . . . burnt out. Feeling not at all like myself, the self I've gotten so used to for the last year and a half. The self I sometimes take for granted. 

I ate my breakfast, drank my coffee, all the while feeling the weight of everything on me. I went back to bed. It's all I could do. I went back to bed and slept for another hour. When I woke up, I told myself everything was fine, it was going to be fine. I showered. I shaved my legs. I washed my hair. All the while feeling empty and lost. I posted about it on Instagram and texted my two best friends about it. And then? Then I lost it. I started sobbing. And God bless my dog Moya, she came running into the bedroom whining, licking my face, trying to make me feel better. Only, it didn't help. I sobbed harder. This was the snot everywhere kind of sobbing, the makeup-running-down-the-face kind of sobbing. Thank goodness my mascara is water proof. 

I did, eventually, pull myself together. Blew my nose, cleaned myself up. And now I sit here typing this out, my eyes burning and swollen from the tears, wondering what the hell happened. Wondering, why do I feel like this? I don't have an answer for myself. I think it's a combination of things. I'm burnt out at work. I feel overwhelmed by everything. My weight is not where I want it to be. I have no motivation. I'm in perimenopause. And I feel like this will never end. I find myself trying to pick out little things to look forward to - a coping mechanism from when I'm depressed. Right now I'm looking forward to the 30th because I'm getting my hair cut (it's far too long right now and annoying me). 

Maybe I need to go up on my Wellbutrin. Maybe I need a therapy appointment. Maybe I simply need a vacation. I don't know what I need. All I know is that I've had this underlying feeling of unease that I've been effectively ignoring and today it's come to a head. Today it's come to the surface and broken through and quite honestly I'm scared. I'm scared because I can't go back to the way things were. The way things were when my depression was out of control. 

I know I might be reading too much into this. I may very well be catastrophizing this . . . this breakdown I've had today. Lord knows I'm an expert in doing that. It's just that I feel so awful. And I haven't felt this way for so long. 

So anyway, that's where I'm at. Feeling down and stuck and on the verge of tears again. 

 

Tuesday 10/19/21 Ummmm . . .

 Another week has gone by, nothing new is happening. I have a headache though. Woke up with it. It went away for a few hours, but it's back now. With a vengeance. Ugh. Stupid headache. 

So, last week I took care of a Spanish speaking patient. She knew a tiny bit of English, and, well, I know a tiny bit of Spanish. I only had to use the interpreter phone twice (when explaining medical stuff), the rest of the day we were able to communicate. But this experience has rekindled my desire to learn Spanish. Like, really learn it. No matter how hard it is or how long it takes. I tried to learn it about 2 years ago and had a hard time because my memory is shot from doing ECT for 3 years. I gave up. I hate that I gave up. I would be so much better off if I stuck with it. But noooooo, it was hard so I quit. I'm not going to do that this time. I'm going to learn. I still have my subscription to Babbel, which I used for the first time again yesterday. And all my learning Spanish books. And note cards I made. I'm going to do this!! 

I worked Sunday, primary nursery, and we had a sad situation. A gal came in for a labor check and there were no heart tones. She was a scheduled c-section the next day (Monday). And there were no heart tones. I assisted during her c-section to deliver a baby born sleeping. It was so very sad. I got weight and measurements, did hand prints and foot prints. This perfect baby boy who was called back by God too soon. My job is usually a happy one. But when it isn't, it isn't. I've prayed for this family every night. Maybe you could, too. 

In other news, I've been trying to stay productive with sewing and drawing/painting. For the most part I'm doing okay. I'm stock piling sock rats and little owls and soul suckers in hopes of doing a toy con with them. However, I don't think this year will be the year for me to do that. Maybe next year, when I have more time to prepare (the toy con I was going to do this year is in December and I feel overwhelmed). Anyway, here's a little fox I painted:

With his cute butterfly friend! I like him. And I thought I had him sold after I posted him on FB, but apparently some people think $20 for an original piece of artwork is too much. Whatever. I need to scan it and post it on Etsy. I'm going to be slowly raising my prices on original pieces as I plan to start offering prints of some of them. But yeah. People annoy me. 

Anyway, that's it for this week. 

Wednesday 10/13/21 More Tattoo Concept Art

 Well, well, well . . . it seems another week has gone by. It's been, actually, a very unproductive week for me. Mostly thanks to work and being lazy on my days off. It's all thanks to that, let's be honest. I've been feeling rather lazy as of late. Take this morning for example: got up at 7, took the boy to school, had breakfast and coffee, then laid back down for another hour before showering. And now I'm blogging instead of sewing or painting or cleaning. Lazy. I think I kind of need it though. Because of reasons. 

I had my yearly physical on Monday, so much fun. My doc felt some lumps in my right breast, one of which I knew was there (it's been biopsied before and has a marker in it), but there's a couple more now. It's been two years since my last mammogram, so hooray! I get to have another one done! It's scheduled for Nov. 9th. Otherwise I got a clean bill of health. She wants my labs to be drawn in February so that it's been a full year since the last time I had them done. I asked about the feelings of malaise I've been getting, and the headaches, every day for over a month now. She thinks it's probably diet related. Most likely sugar. Granted, in the past month and a half I have been eating a TON more sugar. A lot more than before I had my tooth pulled the end of August, so that kinda makes sense. So I guess I gotta cut back again. Which sucks because sugar is tasty. Oh well. 

I came up with a new tattoo concept for my left forearm which I really love. It's a fox, of course, and should fit nicely over my scars. 

I'm really digging this design. Like, I'm pretty positive this is it. This is my next tattoo. Now I just have to save up some money (cause tattoos are expensive, duh). But yeah, I'm stoked. 

The other day I texted my therapist just to check in, let him know how I was doing and that I appreciate him so much. He wrote me back that it warms his heart that I wrote him. Which warms my heart so much! I think it's actually been about a year since I last saw him and it's still weird to me to not be seeing him at least monthly. I'm doing so well though that I'd really have nothing to talk about, other than just shooting the shit (which, let's be honest, I would totally do with him). 

That's pretty much been the last week. Work is work. I'm still burnt out and now our unit is staffing the rest of the hospital. Every single day at least one or more people are floated to other units. Which really sucks and is annoying. I haven't floated for a few months so I know my time is coming. Probably tomorrow. I hate floating. We all do. It sucks. But there's nothing I can do about it, so I might as well not get my panties in a bunch over it.  

Tuesday 10/5/21 It's October

 It's October people! How did that happen?? Time is just flying by!

I'm supposed to be at work today. In fact, I was positive I'd be at work and 90% sure I'd be floating to another unit. But I got a glorious text this morning putting me on call instead. So what did I do? I went back to be of course! (After I dried my hair). I don't often get put on call, so it was quite a lovely surprise. Now I'm just hoping I don't get called in (it's 1:13pm as I'm writing this). We'll see.

I haven't let my day go to waste either! No, I've been sewing. Sewing up a Soul Sucker! Don't know what a soul sucker is? Here, let me show you:

This is Ned, the soul sucker. He's a critter out of my own mind. Soul suckers float around with their tentacles, being all cute, and then they steal your soul when you're least expecting it. Ned sits about 8in tall and his tentacles are 20in long. His fluffy tail is actually a coyote tail. See, soul suckers are all soft with their fluffy tails . . . it's how they lure you in. So be careful!

Hubs and I went on a lovely drive this past Saturday in the mountains to see the fall colors. Not all of the aspens were changed yet, but it was gorgeous none the less (even though we did get rained on). It was nice to get away for several hours and enjoy ourselves. 

I feel I should update too on my mental status, as I haven't really done that in awhile. I've been stable now for a year and 3 months. Stable. Happy. Content. It's amazing. Something I never thought possible, but it's true. No depression, no hypomania, no anxiety (well, maybe a tiny bit of anxiety, rarely). But I've been doing amazingly well. I'm still on 3 meds (Vraylar, Wellbutrin, and Prestiq), and I'll probably be on them indefinitely, but I'm okay with that. Small price to pay for stability. I'm so thankful and grateful for this. I only see my psychiatrist every 6 months now and I haven't seen my therapist for around 8 months (considering I saw him weekly to monthly for 8 years, this is downright amazing).  It's hard to believe that I'm doing so well! Now if I could only get over being burnt out at work . . . Having days off like I do today does help some. But I feel like I need a vacation. A real vacation. Some day . . .